


One Man's Junk

by LucianCarter72



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Canon - Cartoon, Comedy, Music, Science Fiction, Screenplay/Script Format, logic bomb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 11:49:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19829590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianCarter72/pseuds/LucianCarter72
Summary: Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions, must defend his planet against an invader who prides himself on his vast intellect.





	One Man's Junk

Space. We float gently through the stars, a comet whizzing past. Two stars the size of quarters in a binary pair are nearby. But now we come to the local star, massive in size. Pulling back we come to the planet JUNK. Even from space it looks rusted and dirty. Zoom down towards the surface as a narrator speaks.

NARRATOR  
For centuries the planet known only as Junk was the repository for waste from dozens of nearby star systems. Then the Quintessons came to Junk. Using the materials available, a cornucopia of waste and refuse, they created the Junkions. The protectors of Junk.

Zoom down to the surface of the planet, a massive junkyard of all manner of discarded waste, spanning as far as the eye can see. One piece of junk comes flying from behind a pile and straight into the camera.

NARRATOR  
And the leader of the Junkions was a robot known as Wreck-Gar.

The camera rapidly spins in an arc to come around the pile of rubble. Behind it is WRECK-GAR a red and brown humanoid robot with a white cap to his helmet-like head, antenna sticking back from the back of it and a prominent handlebar mustache and long, thin, pointed beard. He is going through the refuse, searching for something.

WRECK-GAR  
Elementary, Watson. Can you find The Mole? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

There is a sound in the distance. Wreck-Gar looks up to see something in the sky. It’s not clear what it is, but it’s coming closer. 

WRECK-GAR  
Guess who’s coming to dinner? What’s my line?

As the shape nears it resolves into a space ship. It’s small, about the size of one person. It’s shiny silver with a gray dome on the top that looks like it might house the pilot.

WRECK-GAR  
To boldly go where no one has gone before.

The ship comes to a gentle landing and the canopy does indeed open. Seated inside is a humanoid, non-robot, being with a huge hairless head. The head seems out of proportion to the body and looks to house an enormous brain. The alien’s body is thin and spindly. His skin is a sickly green, his eyes large. He is decked out in a jumpsuit that matches the silver of his ship. Various high tech items dot his shoulder pads, belt and wrists. He is BRAITOR.

WRECK-GAR  
(calling to him)  
Baw weep grana weep middybum.

BRAITOR  
Ah yes, the universal greeting. My this place smells bad. I return your greeting, Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions. But I must inform you I am here to conquer this planet.

WRECK-GAR  
(singing)  
Why can’t we be friends? Why can’t we be friends?

Braitor presses a button on his left wrist pad and floats up out of his ship towards Wreck-Gar. He lands on his feet a few meters away from the robot.

BRAITOR  
Of course you expect an explanation. For centuries cadmium was considered a waste product in this sector. However, using my incredible brain, the most powerful in the entire universe, I have found a way to turn it into a fuel source. Therefore I will be taking control of this planet to recover the cadmium. You and your people will be my slaves.

WRECK-GAR  
Kunta Kinte! Kunta Kinte! 

BRAITOR  
I expected your resistance. In fact, I have already planned our entire fight. You will attack me. I will defeat you and your people’s spirit will be broken. Take solace, I should have all the cadmium mined within fifty years at which point you will be free again. I’m sure I will enjoy it just as little as you will. I will, however, become extremely wealthy.

WRECK-GAR  
It ain’t over til it’s over. Operators are standing by. They will never take OUR FREEDOM!

BRAITOR  
Begin your attack now. Your personality irritates me.

Wreck-Gar grimaces then comes at Braitor swinging. Braitor turns a knob on his belt and it flies off and attaches to Wreck-Gar’s chest. Wreck-Gar is just about to land his punch when a rocket flares out of the device now attached to his chest. The force is surprisingly strong and Wreck-Gar is blown off his feet backwards. He lands in a heap of broken Barbie Dolls. 

BRAITOR  
Physical violence is, of course, your first resort. Typical of unevolved thinkers. This should prove tedious.

Wreck-Gar stands and charges again. When he gets within a few feet the rocket flares again, once again sending him sprawling. 

BRAITOR   
The device has a proximity detector. You can no longer come close to me.

Wreck-Gar grabs the device with both hands and tries to pull it off. An electric charge emits from the device and through his entire body.

WRECK-GAR  
L-l-l-louie the l-l-l-l-lightning bug says never pull the c-c-c-c-cord.

He lets go of the rocket and the shock ends. Smoke is actually rising off him.

BRAITOR  
You will find the device impossible to remove. Nothing short of my death will disable the defense mechanism and I will live forever. Forever, surrounded by lesser minds. It will be a burden.

WRECK-GAR  
Trust me. I know what I’m doing. 

Wreck-Gar reaches to a holster on his hip and, from subspace, a pistol emerges.

BRAITOR  
Ranged weapons are, of course, your next choice. I’d say this was predictable but, when you are as smart as I am, everything is predictable.

Wreck-Gar takes aim.

WRECK-GAR  
Do you feel lucky punk?   
(singing)  
We got a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.

Braitor adjust something on his shoulder. Wreck-Gar fires. A beam of blue light speed forth from his weapon. But a red field of energy appear as it reaches Braitor and the beam dissipates in a burst of sparks

BRAITOR  
A force field to deflect energy weapons was one of my first inventions. When I was in diapers. 

WRECK-GAR  
Shakka, when the walls fell.   
(singing)  
I miss you like crazy…

Wreck-Gar looks around. He spots a piece of metal that looks like a discarded fender. He picks it up.

BRAITOR  
Physical projectiles. Of course. The problem with being this smart is you have to wait for everyone else to catch up to you.

Wreck-Gar hurls the metal like a javelin. Braitor clicks his heels together and, just as the projectile is about to impale him, it stops and floats in mid-air.

BRAITOR  
Magnetism is a basic force. You can have this back.

He clicks his heels again and the fender shoots back at Wreck-Gar, who just manages to dodge.

BRAITOR  
Next you will look for something non-metallic.

Wreck-Gar spies a porcelain bathtub lying nearby. He runs to it, grabs it, and hurls it at Braitor. Braitor presses something behind his ear. Covers pop over his ears and a loud piercing sound suddenly rings out. Wreck-Gar covers his ears and the bathtub, shooting towards Braitor, shatters into a million pieces which fall harmlessly to the ground. 

BRAITOR   
A simple sonic generator renders your attack futile.

Wreck-Gar scratches his head.

WRECK-GAR  
Fetch… the comfy chairs!

Wreck-Gar transforms into his vehicle mode, a motorcycle that looks just as shabby as he does. The device on his chest disappears from view. Wreck-Gar revs his engines then takes off in a circle around Braitor. Braitor looks bored with the entire proceedings.

BRAITOR  
Let’s get this over with.

Wreck-Gar veers in and steers straight at Braitor. A flare from the rocket can be seen but it’s firing out the back of the bike, adding to its momentum. Wreck-Gar closes – and Braitor shoots up in the air out of the way. Wreck-Gar screeches sideways to come to a stop.

WRECK-GAR  
(Singing)  
Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloooooooon.

Wreck-Gar spots a sheet of metal laying like a ramp. He turns and speeds towards it, using it launch himself towards Braitor. Once again the rocket fires as he nears but, even with the added boost, he falls five feet short of hitting his target. He lands on his wheels and again screeches to a halt.   
BRAITOR  
(Yelling down)   
I have calculated the maximum height you can attain by launching yourself from the surrounding terrain. You will not be able to reach me. Transform and I will return to the ground.

Wreck-Gar transforms back to robot mode and, true to his word, Braitor floats back down to land near him.

WRECK-GAR  
Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.

Pipes emerge from Wreck-Gar’s chest and begin pumping gas at Braitor.

BRAITOR  
A chemical attack, a sign of desperation. However my blood is infused with nanites that filter out all toxins. You are wasting your “breath.”

Looking disappointed, Wreck-Gar ceases the gas attack.

WRECK-GAR  
Got that bloated feeling? Out at second!

BRAITOR  
You have exhausted your options. I am simply too intelligent for you. Every logical action has been conceived. It is simply impossible for me to be surprised or caught off guard by any intelligent being.

WRECK-GAR  
Intelligent? Let’s play Jeopardy!

He tilts his head. There is a sound like audio tape being played extremely fast then the song “Dare to be Stupid” by Weird Al Yankovic begins to play. 

Put down your chainsaw and listen to me  
It's time for us to join in the fight  
It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys  
It's time to let the bedbugs bite

BRAITOR  
Music? Is this what you surrender to?

Wreck-Gar smiles. Then winds up and punches himself in the side of the head.

BRAITOR  
Self-harm? How will this avail you?

You better put all your eggs in one basket  
You better count your chickens before they hatch  
You better sell some wine before its time  
You better find yourself an itch to scratch

Wreck-Gar begins doing ballet while yodelling. Braitor looks confused and agitated.

BRAITOR  
Stop stalling and accept your fate.

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wimpole's not around  
Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Wreck-Gar dances around Braitor to his ship.

BRAITOR  
You do not have sufficient strength or firepower to damage my vessel.

Talk with your mouth full  
Bite the hand that feeds you  
Bite on more than you chew  
What can you do  
Dare to be stupid

Wreck-Gar points a finger at the ship. The end bends off and green spray paint starts surging forward. Moving his finger Wreck-Gar paints a happy face on the canopy of the ship.

BRAITOR  
Your childish graffiti is not even sufficient to impair my ship’s sensors. I do not intend to wait forever.

Take some wooden nickles  
Look for Mr. Goodbar  
Get your mojo working now  
I'll show you how  
You can dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR  
Sock it to me.

Wreck-Gar grabs a ruined TV set and sticks it over he head so he can look out where the screen used to be.

You can turn the other cheek  
You can just give up the ship  
You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

Braitor rubs his temple.

BRAITOR  
I.. I do not understand.  
Dare to be stupid  
Come on and dare to be stupid  
It's so easy to do  
Dare to be stupid  
We're all waiting for you  
Let's go

Wreck-Gar grabs several broken dolls from the pile he landed in earlier and begins juggling them.

BRAITOR  
Those… are… not.. weapons.

WRECK-GAR  
K-tel records presents… and now a word from our sponsors… and that’s one to grow on.

BRAITOR  
What are… what are you saying?

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill  
So can I have a volunteer  
There's no more time for crying over spilled milk  
Now it's time for crying in your beer

WRECK-GAR  
Misunderestimate.

Braitor reacts like he’s been struck in the head.

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA  
Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet  
And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away  
It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR  
Well gollllllllly! (broot toot toot)   
(beat, serious)  
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it is only the people who make them unsafe.  
Braitor is sweating an orange fluid as he rubs his temples.

BRAITOR  
Nonsense. Babble. How can I predict? How can I process?

It's like spitting on a fish  
It's like barking up a tree  
It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

WRECK-GAR  
England? England is in London right?

Braitor almost vomits.

Dare to be stupid (yes)  
Why don't you dare to be stupid  
It's so easy to do  
Dare to be stupid  
We're all waiting for you  
Dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR  
I think gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Braitor sinks to his knees.

Burn your candle at both ends  
Look a gift horse in the mouth  
Mashed potatoes can be your friends

BRAITOR  
No… stop… I can’t take it anymore.

WRECK-GAR  
Ketchup is a vegetable.

Braitor screams.

You can be a coffee achiever  
You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver  
The future's up to you  
So what you gonna do

WRECK-GAR  
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.  
(beat)  
Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.  
(beat)  
If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.  
(beat)  
Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.  
(beat)  
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.  
(beat)  
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.  
(beat)  
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.  
(beat)  
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.  
(beat)   
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Braitor’s head explodes in a shower of green goo. 

Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid  
Dare to be stupid

The headless body falls forward to the ground. The rocket on Wreck-Gar’s chest falls to the ground. At once all the various devices on Braitor’s body begin to spark and smoke as they self-destruct. The ship follows seconds later, all its internal machinery shorting out at once. Soon all that is left is more blackened junk, just like the rest of the planet. 

WRECK-GAR  
Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

He casually returns to the junk and starts rummaging around again. 

WRECK-GAR  
Elementary, Watson. Don’t say the Password. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?


End file.
